Working on working

Working outside the home poses an interesting question. I had always assumed that I would definitely work outside the home. I have the utmost respect for stay at home moms, but I know myself and I suspected that it was more than I could probably handle.

The original plan was for me to go back to work at Finish Line sometime in mid-March, which was already a month longer than most people get. Before you get all jealous, bear in mind that this was entirely unpaid leave, and considering the economy, I got the feeling that the fine folks at Finish Line kind of enjoyed having me off the books for a while. That feeling was confirmed recently when I was basically furloughed from my job there. I have been asked to take an extended unpaid leave until June 1, at which time I will return to work on a part time basis. So, it looks like I have some time as a stay at home mom after all.

In the meantime, I have my fabulous nanny Heidi working for me five days a week. I will not let her go because a) I need the help, even when I am home, or else Brent returns to find me a raving spitup soaked loony on my fifth glass of wine at five o'clock and b) she is so fantastic that if I were to let her go, I am certain that she would be hired by another family immediately. It is competitive out there for good nannies. Just this week one of my neighbors was sniffing around Heidi. If she so much as nanny flirts with her again, she will be enjoying some doggie doo in her yard from Kiva.

It goes without saying (even though I am going to say it anyway) that I love being a mom. But I also love to work (who knew? I have been bitching about it for so long, I had no idea I actually like it!) I think the part of me that is struggling right now is the part where I feel like I am not contributing much to the world, other than to the GDP, because I seem to keep finding my way into Old Navy. A lot of my self esteem is tied up in my work. I love people needing me, asking my advice, and feeling good at what I do. Being a mom of infants doesn't really satisfy these needs. Sure, the boys need me, but they spend a lot of time sleeping or staring at a plastic mirror affixed to their exersaucer. No one really asks my advice, except about pregnancy, childbirth or sleeping through the night. And I definitely don't have much confidence about being a mom yet. Every day I feel like I wish I knew the answers to the baby questions that plague me (is that a tooth in Oscar's mouth or a zit? Why is Judah's poop different every day even if he always eats the same thing? Am I wrecking their brains by feeding them in front of the TV?). You get the picture.

Right now I am just trying to tow the line between being a parent and being a professional woman who isn't very professional these days. I am trying to find some kind of part time or contract work to sharpen up my mind while I wait to return to Finish Line (which I guess isn't a sure thing either considering the recession and the fact that they have lived without me for going on eight months now, including the time I was on bed rest). I am thinking of teaching an LSAT prep course, maybe substitute teaching at Park Tudor or tutoring. Of course, I would also be interested in doing some kind of part time legal work too. It is a bad time to be out of work, but a good time to be a mom. And I know someday, I will look back on this time and long for it, when I could work out every morning, cuddle with my darling little babies any time of the day, go to the grocery unhurried, and even sneak in a pedicure sometimes. But all this uncertainty is wrecking my enjoyment of my time off, and I think I am starting to get dumber because the only negotiating I am doing is begging Judah to finish his nighttime bottle so he doesn't wake up at 3:00 a.m.