Get your paws off me!

This may be a bit played out, and I know it is a frequent gripe by pregnant women, but WHY THE HELL DO STRANGERS COME UP AND TOUCH ME???? I do not understand this phenomenon. Most of you who know me know that I am not the most touchy kind of person. I just don't really like to be man handled, by strangers or even by friends. In fact, this past weekend, I went to see Kathy Griffin with two of my dearest friends in the world, and I was totally smushed in the seat. Becky, sitting to my left, couldn't avoid her arm or foot touching mine. But I wanted to give her a smack! I couldn't stand the skin to skin contact and I love her dearly. So you can imagine how I feel about all these freaking strangers touching my belly.

Yesterday we had the unfortunate experience of attending our third funeral this year. We are heartbroken to have lost Brent's cousin David, who was 27. He has been very ill since birth, and this was not unexpected, but still, it was tragic and we are so sad for his parents. We spent the majority of the weekend attending family obligations related to David's death. The unfortunate side effect of all of this was that I had to see A LOT of people, some of which I didn't know very well. And I look VERY pregnant. And people were just all over me, like white on rice. I am sure it had something to do with people wanting to focus on a happy event in the midst of such sadness, but it felt so invasive. It is like people didn't realize I might be in mourning too and that I might not exactly be up to being circus freak sideshow.

The worst offender was relentless. This woman, we will call her Cruella de Touchy, came up to me and started rubbing the back of my arm. I stepped back, seeing as that little familiar gesture generally makes my skin crawl, not to mention the fact that I barely know her and couldn't remember her name immediately. She was undeterred. She stepped forward again, now with one hand on my arm and the other on my belly. I took two steps back. Again, she kept coming, and now she added close talking to her repertoire of miseries. I could not escape this evil woman. I was being assaulted! I put my arms firmly in front of my stomach and started walking away. Cruella de Touchy just wouldn't get the hint. I was fuming and finally I just walked away mid-sentence. Brent watched the whole spectacle and was laughing because he could tell how miserable I was. I just don't understand what it is about being pregnant that suddenly makes you public property?

The rule of thumb that I have developed out of my close encounters yesterday is this: if you would hug someone upon seeing them, then it is probably ok to touch them, gently, on the belly, WITH EXPRESS PRIOR PERMISSION. Otherwise, HANDS OFF!!!

That means you Cruella de Touchy!

A little incapacitated.

I am getting big. And I don't mean, "haha you are so cute pregnant" big. I mean, "You look like you need to be wearing a circus tent!" big. This has all happened very quickly. It feels like even three or four weeks ago, I was a manageable size. No longer. I had back to back weekly doctor's visits and we discovered that I grew 4 centimeters in a week! That is outrageous! To put things in perspective I am now the size of a woman that is 8 months pregnant with one baby. I, on the other hand, am only 5 and 1/2 months pregnant (albeit with two babies). So the upshot is that while I am feeling enormous, I am actually pretty much on track for twins.

The amusing side effect of my girth is my ever broadening range of complaints. Here is a short list of things that it is getting difficult to do:

1. Wear a seatbelt - It has to be across my legs, instead of on my non-existent lap

2. Cross my legs - I don't why, but I just can't do this anymore. I look like Al Bundy when I sit

3. Sleep - every night is an adventure, I have become practically a contortionist trying to find a comfy position

4. Sit on the floor - Brent's favorite activity these days is laughing at me when I try to get up from a seated position

5. Tie my shoes - god it seems early to be dealing with this cliche of pregnancy

6. Wear a bathing suit - ok, so technically I can still wear one, but it might scare small children

7. Go to work - who am I kidding, that was always hard for me

8. WALK

So Number 8 needs a bit of elaboration. I think I have mentioned before that my left leg has started falling asleep if I walk or stand for more than 5 minutes. Well, this coupled with my lack of stamina, my general bad mood, and my penguin-like gait has forced me to reevaluate my walking options. But I am not bed ridden yet and I like to be out and about. So, I have gotten creative. Case in point, last week, Brent and I went to Sam's Club for some necessities. I really wanted to go in and not just sit in the car (all those free samples are like drugs to a pregnant woman). But I knew I just couldn't make it around that mammoth monument to American consumerism. So, I hopped in a motorized cart- in our family, we call them Amazing Jazzies. And it was some good clean fun, let me tell you! I spent most of our shopping trip trying to run Brent over, speeding up aisles in reverse (complete with a back up beep!) and generally enjoying all the stares I got. It was so funny. And fun. Check out the picture for a visual.

It is amazing the lengths with which I have to go to entertain myself without wine.

A little scare...

Yesterday, I was having a bit of trouble breathing and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. So, I called my doctor, fully expecting to be told again that everything was fine and to take it easy and drink more fluids. Imagine my surprise when she told me to come in immediately. I got there and my blood pressure was pretty high and my pulse was too. They send me right over to the hospital to get checked out. Believe you me, all that rushing around did not do wonders for my anxiety, not too mention my racing heart.

At the hospital they hooked me up to a bunch of machines, took some blood, monitored my blood pressure and sent me home. Thank goodness. The upshot is that my blood pressure is a little high (and will likely be getting worse), my iron was low and my potassium was low. The recommendation? Rest more, drink fruit juice and take an iron supplement. Not a huge deal, except that resting more isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world for me. As much as I adore my couch, and I really really do, I always feel like there are a million things I could or should be doing (on my list today: work, get a pedi, clean out the fish bowl, laundry, and water my plants). But the doctor was explicit that I need to be cutting back to about 25 hours a week at work and lay down for a few hours a day. So, it looks like I might be reigniting a love affair with 90210, which is most conveniently being shown on the Soap Network from 4-6. Hooray!

Thankfully, this isn't the worst thing in the world, and most importantly, the boys are just fine. The goal is to keep them and myself as well as possible for as long as possible. So if that means sitting on my heiny eating bon bons, so be it. Look at all the sacrifice I am making for my family.

Childbirth Classes

Last night, Brent and I attended an "Expecting Multiples" childbirth class at our hospital. Like most normal pregnancy things, I was skeptical about the class in general. I just couldn't picture Brent and I siting dutifully in a class of pregnant couples, practicing breathing, passing around baby dolls and watching birthing videos with a straight face. But the closer and closer I get to my delivery date, the more I realize that I don't know squat about what to do with the babies when they get here, nor do I know very much about how to get them here in the first place. Other than the unfortunate and unexpected crotch shot in Knocked Up, I have never even seen a live birth before.

So, with some misgivings, we signed up and went to the class. (We were late, of course, I am sure you aren't surprised.) And all in all, it was a good experience. We covered a wide variety of topics, including diet and weight during pregnancy, risks associated with multiple pregnancy and birth (I could have taught that portion of the class I have read so much on the topic), birth options, and newborn care and feeding. The instructor rocked, she was a nurse who had identical twins, so she gave great practical AND medical advice. Here are some of the things we learned:

1. By week 20, the average twin weight gain is 25 pounds. WHO HOO. What a relief. I was starting to freak out about my girth, it is good to know that I am within normal limits. I guess that means I can resume my doughnut habit.

2. 65% of twin births occur prior to week 37 and more than two thirds are by C-section. The good news is that I will probably know by about the end of September (around 30 weeks) whether or not I am going to try it the ol' fashioned way or if I am going under the knife.

3. Our hospital doesn't use heparin to clear IV lines, so no worries that our kiddos will suffer the scandal du jour that has been occurring at hospitals around the country

4. We should try and feed the babies at the same time so that we aren't constantly feeding, changing, burping and the like.

5. Co-bedding (putting them both in the same crib) isn't recommended by the American Association of Pediatricians. But I think I am going to do it anyway.

6. We should get a backpack diaper bag and we should always carry an extra set of clothes and diapers in ziplock bag for each kid. Great idea!

The information was flung at me so fast my head was spinning. It didn't help that this WT lady that was a hospital employee (IN THE FACILITIES DEPT...NOT A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL) kept interrupting the teacher to give her two cents. If I wanted to get medical advice from a hillbilly with too many kids and feathered bangs, I would have gone to the state fair and asked a carnie. At least then I would have gotten some fried dough for my trouble.

Anyway, we then watched two videos about childbirth. The first was a vaginal delivery of twins and the second was a C-section of triplets. The vaginal delivery was actually not that disturbing, other than the amount of touching the husband (and mother in law) were doing while the wife (who also had feathered bangs) was in labor. I was so creeped out. If Brent or Carol get near me with the intention of caressing me while I am having contractors, I fear they will leave the hospital with fewer appendages than they entered with. But all in all, the video was pretty amazing. I was slightly distracted by Brent's running commentary. At one point, he actually poked me and told me to ask the teacher if we could keep the placenta. If you know Brent at all, you would understand that is his type of gross humor. If you don't know Brent, please don't judge me for my choice of spouse.

The C-Section video was another matter altogether. That was just GROSS and SCARY. I was seriously disturbed by the roughness of the whole procedure, not to mention that the amniotic sac squirted everywhere when the surgeons ruptured it. I turned a lovely shade of eggshell white. But regardless of the method of delivery, it really is quite unreal to see living, screaming, babies being pulled from their mom and ready to enter the world. I was speechless. The range of emotions I felt was indescribable, a mixture of fear, anxiety, joy, excitement and impatience, all at once. I felt like I couldn't wait for it to be me combined with a hope that I never have to do it. (Of course I know I do, but you know what I mean.)

After the videos we took a tour of the Labor and Delivery area of the hospital. We walked around the high risk OB area, where bed rest moms stay, and then to the Labor and Delivery rooms and OR. Then we ducked into the NICU, which is an awful place. I mean, they have tried really hard to make it cheery, and I know the babies are getting amazing care, but still, no baby should be born at 2 pounds. We saw one born at 30 weeks, and it didn't even quite look human. More like a little tiny doll. It was really tragic to see these oxygen hoods, and vents, and all the other gear these kiddos need to survive. I resolved then and there to stop wishing for the babies to come early...they definitely need to be well done by the time they are born.

The outcome of all this is that I do feel a little better prepared for what is coming. But honestly, I am not sure if knowledge is power in this situation. Sometimes I feel like the more I know, the less confident I feel. But regardless of how I feel, it is all going to happen and happen pretty soon.