Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
After missing a whole day, this is what I got to see!
Oscar finally walked! Just about a month shy of J.J. too. The funny thing is, after all this waiting, he is actually already a lot better on his feet than Judah, even though he was late to the party. Sometimes I think Oscar just doesn't want to do something unless he can do it right.
Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I missed a whole day
Today I never saw the boys. I think this is the first time ever while being in town. Sure I have taken a few vacations and missed some days here and there, but today, I left before they were up and got home long after they went to bed. It sucks.
The reasons are all well and good. I had an early meeting, then a day full of work, then a late meeting, a waxing and a movie date with Brent. Yes, a few of those things seem optional, although not really. Waxing may seem indulgent, but only if you have never been waxed - a) it is ridiculously painful and b) I would look like Chewbacca without it. So I don't exactly classify a waxing appointment as a spa treatment. And the movie date was almost as important. Brent and I don't spend a lot of quality time together not talking about KDD, my work, the boys, childcare, or the latest Joseph or Kaufman family squabbles, of which there are many. And no, sitting on the couch with our respective laptops while watching Modern Family doesn't count as quality time. So we coordinated our schedules, asked Heidi to stay late and went to see Avatar. And it was cool, although in retrospect, not nearly worth not seeing the real life feature film of Oscar and Judah's life today.
Sometimes I worry that they don't even really know that I am their mom, especially because it seems that of their caregivers, they see me the least. It hurts terribly when Oscar turns away when I get home, nothing is more painful than being shunned by your son, even if he is one year old and probably is just mad that his brother bonked him on the head with a wooden car. But in my heart I know that there is really separation anxiety and angst here, and most of it is mine.
I don't really feel like I have a choice. I spend my whole day worrying about my business, or Brent's business, or the million other things that occupy my endless internal monologue. Here was my day today, by way of example. And bear in mind this is all before my 4:00 torture by hot wax:
7:30 - Wakeup and get dressed
8:15 - Make the boys breakfast so that it is ready for when Brent gets them up and dressed
8:30 - Finish up household jobs like making the bed, going through the mail, tidying up so Heidi doesn't panic when she comes in (neat freak!)
9:00 - Get to work and answer emails and phone calls
10:00 - Go to a meeting to help my sister launch her new business
11:30 - Go to a networking lunch with an HR professional to see if we can be referral partners
1:00 - Conference call with clients
1:30 - 4:00 - Answer no less than 50 emails, six client calls, two referrals, all while trying to prepare for my meeting at 5:00 where I will discuss licensing opportunities for King David with our attorney.
It should be noted that I missed a 3:00 conference call because I was so focused on a project and that I was at least 10 minutes late to everything. As usual.
In between all this, I officiated a family dispute for a friend, did a little career coaching for another friend, and pretty much ran myself ragged. And I can't do anything half way. I have taken on starting this practice and I need it to be a success. Not just financially (although that is critical, of course) but also for my pride. I simply feel compelled to give it everything I have. The same goes double for King David and triple for being a good friend, sister, daughter and wife. The problem is that somehow, I feel like being a good mom falls off the list of priorities. I wonder if that is because it is the hardest job of all. The one in which I have the least confidence. I know I can get a favorable outcome for my client, plan a good business strategy for King David, or be a good listener to a friend. But I have nearly no faith in my ability to be a present, thoughtful, loving or supportive mom. No amount of discipline, ambition, or intelligence will give me those skills. You can see why I needed to park it for a couple of hours to watch a movie about naked blue people who are part of a life force revolving around a tree.
Sometimes I feel like I am pulled in so many directions I feel as if I am being ripped apart. And the rub is that missing a day of my kids' life somehow doesn't seem worth any of it, even though as I am ticking off my daily list, everything seems of critical importance. It is especially painful because Oscar and Judah are going through an incredible period of growth and development. For the last month or two it felt like they weren't really doing anything new. Not much talking or walking. No real pointing or communicating. But now, all of the sudden, they are off to the races, discovering new tricks and treats every minute, saying mama with meaning, pointing to the dogs, and walking all over. For instance, Judah can now crawl over the barricades of our ottomans in our living room, making the whole first floor fair game. And that means that the dog bowls are in play as well. Dog food is safe for humans right? Oscar is so independent. He has all sorts of favorite toys and books and is so opinionated. He has this car that he adores, and when he wants to play in it, he crawls right over to it, opens the door, honks the horn, and expects you to push him around. What did they do today that I missed?
I know, really really really, know, that I am going to look back on this time with such nostalgia and regret. I am going to feel that starting this law practice, or growing King David is going to pale terribly in comparison to the loss of my involvement in their childhood. I can't get today back. And yet I know that tomorrow will be nearly the same.
The reasons are all well and good. I had an early meeting, then a day full of work, then a late meeting, a waxing and a movie date with Brent. Yes, a few of those things seem optional, although not really. Waxing may seem indulgent, but only if you have never been waxed - a) it is ridiculously painful and b) I would look like Chewbacca without it. So I don't exactly classify a waxing appointment as a spa treatment. And the movie date was almost as important. Brent and I don't spend a lot of quality time together not talking about KDD, my work, the boys, childcare, or the latest Joseph or Kaufman family squabbles, of which there are many. And no, sitting on the couch with our respective laptops while watching Modern Family doesn't count as quality time. So we coordinated our schedules, asked Heidi to stay late and went to see Avatar. And it was cool, although in retrospect, not nearly worth not seeing the real life feature film of Oscar and Judah's life today.
Sometimes I worry that they don't even really know that I am their mom, especially because it seems that of their caregivers, they see me the least. It hurts terribly when Oscar turns away when I get home, nothing is more painful than being shunned by your son, even if he is one year old and probably is just mad that his brother bonked him on the head with a wooden car. But in my heart I know that there is really separation anxiety and angst here, and most of it is mine.
I don't really feel like I have a choice. I spend my whole day worrying about my business, or Brent's business, or the million other things that occupy my endless internal monologue. Here was my day today, by way of example. And bear in mind this is all before my 4:00 torture by hot wax:
7:30 - Wakeup and get dressed
8:15 - Make the boys breakfast so that it is ready for when Brent gets them up and dressed
8:30 - Finish up household jobs like making the bed, going through the mail, tidying up so Heidi doesn't panic when she comes in (neat freak!)
9:00 - Get to work and answer emails and phone calls
10:00 - Go to a meeting to help my sister launch her new business
11:30 - Go to a networking lunch with an HR professional to see if we can be referral partners
1:00 - Conference call with clients
1:30 - 4:00 - Answer no less than 50 emails, six client calls, two referrals, all while trying to prepare for my meeting at 5:00 where I will discuss licensing opportunities for King David with our attorney.
It should be noted that I missed a 3:00 conference call because I was so focused on a project and that I was at least 10 minutes late to everything. As usual.
In between all this, I officiated a family dispute for a friend, did a little career coaching for another friend, and pretty much ran myself ragged. And I can't do anything half way. I have taken on starting this practice and I need it to be a success. Not just financially (although that is critical, of course) but also for my pride. I simply feel compelled to give it everything I have. The same goes double for King David and triple for being a good friend, sister, daughter and wife. The problem is that somehow, I feel like being a good mom falls off the list of priorities. I wonder if that is because it is the hardest job of all. The one in which I have the least confidence. I know I can get a favorable outcome for my client, plan a good business strategy for King David, or be a good listener to a friend. But I have nearly no faith in my ability to be a present, thoughtful, loving or supportive mom. No amount of discipline, ambition, or intelligence will give me those skills. You can see why I needed to park it for a couple of hours to watch a movie about naked blue people who are part of a life force revolving around a tree.
Sometimes I feel like I am pulled in so many directions I feel as if I am being ripped apart. And the rub is that missing a day of my kids' life somehow doesn't seem worth any of it, even though as I am ticking off my daily list, everything seems of critical importance. It is especially painful because Oscar and Judah are going through an incredible period of growth and development. For the last month or two it felt like they weren't really doing anything new. Not much talking or walking. No real pointing or communicating. But now, all of the sudden, they are off to the races, discovering new tricks and treats every minute, saying mama with meaning, pointing to the dogs, and walking all over. For instance, Judah can now crawl over the barricades of our ottomans in our living room, making the whole first floor fair game. And that means that the dog bowls are in play as well. Dog food is safe for humans right? Oscar is so independent. He has all sorts of favorite toys and books and is so opinionated. He has this car that he adores, and when he wants to play in it, he crawls right over to it, opens the door, honks the horn, and expects you to push him around. What did they do today that I missed?
I know, really really really, know, that I am going to look back on this time with such nostalgia and regret. I am going to feel that starting this law practice, or growing King David is going to pale terribly in comparison to the loss of my involvement in their childhood. I can't get today back. And yet I know that tomorrow will be nearly the same.
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