The Disney World Fantasy

I just looked through all these pictures of my sister's trip to Orlando with her kids.  There was a time, not too long ago, that I thoughts such a trip would be agony.  I just couldn't imagine what would be fun about waiting in long lines for horrendous, stomach turning rides, with three screaming kids, for hundreds of dollars a day.  I would have much rather have spent my hard earned money going skiing with my girlfriends or buying the latest Prada bag (omg, the fall collection is to die for btw). 

What I didn't understand then, and what I am starting to understand now, is that having kids is fun for the parents.   I know that must seem obvious to many of you, but it hasn't been to me. Emily's kids looked so frickin happy eating mounds of whipped cream for breakfast and riding go carts in the hot Florida sunshine that I could tell it made Emily and Brendan happy too.  I used to not understand that providing joy for your kids equalled joy for the parents. 

I have mentioned a few times that I have had a hard time connecting with the reality of being a parent.  One problem with missing this reality is that I have spent a lot of time dreading all the really scary and difficult things about having kids without spending a lot of time daydreaming about the fun stuff.  I can barely even read the baby books anymore for fear of colic, birth defects and other traumas.  But looking at Emily's pictures reminded me that there are some really fun and funny times ahead.  And for some reason, I just haven't been thinking about those fun and funny times. 

Essentially I think it all boils down to the reasons Brent and I decided to have kids.  As much as I was desperate to get pregnant, I wasn't really in touch with why.  It was more of an intuitive, instinctual kind of thing, rather than a desire to play and enjoy having kids.  I wasn't consciously thinking about the having kids part, I was more responding to some primitive need to procreate.  And as some of you know, I hadn't really given a lot of thought to what happens after you get pregnant.

Seeing Emily's pictures tonight got me so excited.  Excited to take my kids to Disney World someday.  Excited to take them to Colts games.  Excited to watch them be cute when they do something like eat a mound of whipped cream.  Having them and being a part of their lives will be the payoff for all the worrying, sleeplessness, and misery I have been enduring (and will continue to endure).  

And it is finally beginning to feel worth it. 

I can't remember...

...what it is like:

1. To have feet that don't look like canoes

2. To walk without waddling

3. To go more 90 minutes without peeing

4. To read anything other than baby books

5. To drink a glass of wine without debilitating guilt

6. To wear pants without an elastic waistband

7. Not to sweat in 40 degree weather

8. To eat Jimmie Johns less than three times a week...I think I need a support group to cure my addiction.

9. To do something other watch TV in the evenings

10.  To sleep in bed with less than three other men

11.  To not be a walking punchline.  I am seriously sick of complete strangers laughing openly at the size of my girth

12.  To be able to breathe.  Really.  Can't breathe.  At all.  

13.  See my vajay vajay.  Sorry if that is too personal, but at this point, I am not sure it is still even there. 

14.  Not to take my blood pressure 18 times a day.  I bought one of those home monitors and I am so worried about pre-eclampsia that I have become a tad bit compulsive. 

15. Not to blow dry my hair every day.  I know it is vain, but I am not going to the hospital with anything less than gorgeous, clean, freshly straightened locks.  There are just too many pictures that are going to be taken and if I have to be fat, bloated, and have greasy hair, I might actually perish. 

Hannah Joseph - Home of the Whoppers

I have ten pounds of babies inside of me. Now, think about this, most people never experience what ten pounds of babies can feel like, considering most babies are born in the 7-8 pound range. But right now, at 32 weeks, Baby A is 5 lb 6 oz and Baby B is 4 lb 14 oz. And they are running out of room at the inn.

The end of pregnancy is such a strange time. I have now been pregnant long enough that I can't really remember what life was like before I was pregnant. I am feeling very stressed about getting lots of little things done (really little inconsequential things, like putting away the Desitin, hanging the pictures on the nursery walls, and putting together the email distribution list for when the boys arrive). I have most of the major stuff done, like washing the clothes, buying the diapers, putting together the cribs, packing the bag for the hospital etc. But still I feel no peace. I guess feeling pressure to do all these little jobs is just a proxy for what I really feel like I need to do, which is give birth.

The funny thing is that I have been so anxious to get to this point in time. I have avoided all the big pitfalls, including high blood pressure, bed rest, gestational diabetes, a fifty pound weight gain, too much amniotic fluid, etc. And now that the birth is literally just around the corner (probably within the next 4 weeks or so), I can't picture it. I keep trying to grasp little glimpes of the reality of having two babies, but it is just too profound for me to understand. I know this is all a little esoteric and wishy washy, but I am feeling really dreamy and odd. I cannot believe I am about to become the mom of two people (not dogs, or cats or chinchillas - yes, I made the college mistake of buying a chinchilla, I was charmed because it ate donuts).

Anyway, that is my big news. My doctor today predicted that I wouldn't go three more weeks. Being the gambling addict that I am, I wanted odds. But damn doctors are so cautious, he wouldn't give them to me.

Food for thought

I am one of those people who is ALWAYS hungry and rarely full. My whole life, I have been plagued by this particular issue. You know how people sometimes scratch their heads and say, "Gee, I forgot to eat lunch." Yeah. That was NEVER EVER me. I have never missed a single solitary opportunity to eat.

My relationship with food is fairly complex and I have always struggled with my weight. I don't think I am quite ready to air all that dirty laundry in this forum, but suffice it to say that I have food issues, and that is putting mildly.

During the first half of the pregnancy I got off to a running start. I read in one of my gazillion pregnancy books that early weight gain in twins was directly correlated to the birth weight of the babies. So I took that to mean that I could eat ice cream every night, in addition to the other 3000 calories or so I was eating. I quickly gained about 12 pounds. During the second trimester, I was delighted to learn that I should be eating between 3000 and 3500 calories a day! Now, believe it or not, that is actually hard. Especially when you need to fit lots of healthy fruits and veggies in there. I mean, I could take down 1000 calories worth of french fries every day no problem, but somehow I think that might not be in the babies' or my best interests.

But I continued to eat nearly everything in sight, mostly because for the first time in my life, I was eating without debilitating, complex, agonizing guilt. I have been doing Atkins off and on for two full years and let me tell you, I took no greater pleasure than enjoying every carb that came my way. I gained another 10-15 pounds in the second trimester. I kept asking my doctor about my weight to make sure I was doing no harm to myself or the babies and I kept hearing reassurances that I was right on track.

Then a funny thing happened. Food started to lose its lustre. I went to McDonalds one day (I was trying to limit that particular addiction to once a week - for those of you who knew me in college, that is quite an accomplishment) and it wasn't good. Now, I have been eating McDonalds on the regular for my whole life and for the first time EVER, I didn't want it. Curious. Very curious. Then, nothing started tasting good to me. And my hunger, for the first time in my life, went away. I had to force myself to eat every meal (other than breakfast, for some reason, Cornflakes has been IT for me). And this trimester, I have gained all of 4 pounds or so.

This lack of hunger has opened up a new world to me. I don't wake up in the morning thinking about what I am going to eat today. I am not driven by what I am going to have for lunch or dinner. I am merely eating to sustain myself (and my babies), but pretty much not for pleasure at all. And I wonder, am I cured? Is this merely a symptom of the fact that Baby B has taken up residence on my stomach and is smushing it or is there something deeper and more psychological going on here. Have I finally sated my appetite? Now that I am permitting myself to eat whatever I want, do I not want it anymore? Sort of like make the forbidden fruit (or in this case, carbs) no longer forbidden.

Realistically, it is probably more the former than the latter and after the babies come, and I get back on the deprivation bicycle, I will probably go back to obsessing over every bagel that I don't get to eat. But what a life it would be if that didn't happen.

Low Carb Scare

I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would take this opportunity to give all you spectators out there a brief update on the babies, me, and well, other general stuff.

So first things first. The babies are BIG! I mean, really big. Which should come as no surprise to anyone who has seen me lately. Because I am also really big. And no, I am exaggerating. I am now about the size of a someone who is 40 weeks pregnant. Yes, as in full term. And I still have six weeks to go. The upshot of my impressive girth is that as of two weeks ago, Baby A was 3 lb, 3 oz., and Baby B was 2 lb. 12 oz. Anything over 3 lbs. prior to 30 weeks is awesome. So it looks like they are going to be nice and hefty.

The news wasn't all good though. They both have a lot of amniotic fluid too. My doctor was somewhat concerned that all that poundage and amniotic fluid was an indication that I had gestational diabetes. Of course I immediately freaked out. Gestational diabetes = a no carb diet. Now, I have been doing Atkins off and on for years as a means of torture (and to fit in my jeans) and I have been on a carb bender for about 7 and 1/2 months. But the possibility of gestational diabetes stopped me cold. You can take away my vodka, my red wine, and my personality after 9 p.m., but you take away my french fries and there is a good chance of PRE-partum depression. So, I took the blood sugar test and waited with baited breath. NEGATIVE!!! I guess we just grow 'em big in these parts. Probably thanks to all the french fries!

The other downside to the size of the babies is that I need to now cut back on all my physical activity. It isn't quite bedrest, as I can still leave the house and do stuff, but I need to be fairly restrictive about what I choose to do. I have started working primarily from home and I am sticking pretty close to the couch. The working from home thing has far exceeded my expectations and I am surprisingly productive. I always thought people working from home were secretly on their couch eating bonbons and watching The Price is Right. However, I find that if I get up and shower, eat breakfast and settle in at the computer, I actually get MORE done than I did in the office. What a shock! And I love it. Practicing law in pajamas is actually quite pleasant.

Staying home all day does make me somewhat antsy. However, I suspect that is going to get worse and provide some fertile material for future posts, so I will save that topic for another day.