After missing a whole day, this is what I got to see!

Oscar finally walked!  Just about a month shy of J.J. too.  The funny thing is, after all this waiting, he is actually already a lot better on his feet than Judah, even though he was late to the party.  Sometimes I think Oscar just doesn't want to do something unless he can do it right.

Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRZ8WslRrVk

I missed a whole day

Today I never saw the boys.  I think this is the first time ever while being in town.  Sure I have taken a few vacations and missed some days here and there, but today, I left before they were up and got home long after they went to bed.  It sucks.

The reasons are all well and good.  I had an early meeting, then a day full of work, then a late meeting, a waxing and a movie date with Brent.  Yes, a few of those things seem optional, although not really.  Waxing may seem indulgent, but only if you have never been waxed - a) it is ridiculously painful and b) I would look like Chewbacca without it.  So I don't exactly classify a waxing appointment as a spa treatment.   And the movie date was almost as important.  Brent and I don't spend a lot of quality time together not talking about KDD, my work, the boys, childcare, or the latest Joseph or Kaufman family squabbles, of which there are many.  And no, sitting on the couch with our respective laptops while watching Modern Family doesn't count as quality time.  So we coordinated our schedules, asked Heidi to stay late and went to see Avatar.  And it was cool, although in retrospect, not nearly worth not seeing the real life feature film of Oscar and Judah's life today.

Sometimes I worry that they don't even really know that I am their mom, especially because it seems that of their caregivers, they see me the least.  It hurts terribly when Oscar turns away when I get home, nothing is more painful than being shunned by your son, even if he is one year old and probably is just mad that his brother bonked him on the head with a wooden car.  But in my heart I know that there is really separation anxiety and angst here, and most of it is mine.

I don't really feel like I have a choice.  I spend my whole day worrying about my business, or Brent's business, or the million other things that occupy my endless internal monologue.  Here was my day today, by way of example.  And bear in mind this is all before my 4:00 torture by hot wax:

7:30 - Wakeup and get dressed
8:15 - Make the boys breakfast so that it is ready for when Brent gets them up and dressed
8:30 - Finish up household jobs like making the bed, going through the mail, tidying up so Heidi doesn't panic when she comes in (neat freak!)
9:00 - Get to work and answer emails and phone calls
10:00 - Go to a meeting to help my sister launch her new business
11:30 - Go to a networking lunch with an HR professional to see if we can be referral partners
1:00 - Conference call with clients
1:30 - 4:00 - Answer no less than 50 emails, six client calls, two referrals, all while trying to prepare for my meeting at 5:00 where I will discuss licensing opportunities for King David with our attorney.

It should be noted that I missed a 3:00 conference call because I was so focused on a project and that I was at least 10 minutes late to everything.  As usual.

In between all this, I officiated a family dispute for a friend, did a little career coaching for another friend, and pretty much ran myself ragged.  And I can't do anything half way.  I have taken on starting this practice and I need it to be a success.  Not just financially (although that is critical, of course) but also for my pride.  I simply feel compelled to give it everything I have.  The same goes double for King David and triple for being a good friend, sister, daughter and wife.  The problem is that somehow, I feel like being a good mom falls off the list of priorities.  I wonder if that is because it is the hardest job of all.  The one in which I have the least confidence.  I know I can get a favorable outcome for my client, plan a good business strategy for King David, or be a good listener to a friend.  But I have nearly no faith in my ability to be a present, thoughtful, loving or supportive mom.  No amount of discipline, ambition, or intelligence will give me those skills.  You can see why I needed to park it for a couple of hours to watch a movie about naked blue people who are part of a life force revolving around a tree.

Sometimes I feel like I am pulled in so many directions I feel as if I am being ripped apart.  And the rub is that missing a day of my kids' life somehow doesn't seem worth any of it, even though as I am ticking off my daily list, everything seems of critical importance.  It is especially painful because Oscar and Judah are going through an incredible period of growth and development.  For the last month or two it felt like they weren't really doing anything new.  Not much talking or walking.  No real pointing or communicating.  But now, all of the sudden, they are off to the races, discovering new tricks and treats every minute, saying mama with meaning, pointing to the dogs, and walking all over.  For instance, Judah can now crawl over the barricades of our ottomans in our living room, making the whole first floor fair game.  And that means that the dog bowls are in play as well.  Dog food is safe for humans right?  Oscar is so independent.  He has all sorts of favorite toys and books and is so opinionated.  He has this car that he adores, and when he wants to play in it, he crawls right over to it, opens the door, honks the horn, and expects you to push him around.  What did they do today that I missed?

I know, really really really, know, that I am going to look back on this time with such nostalgia and regret.  I am going to feel that starting this law practice, or growing King David is going to pale terribly in comparison to the loss of my involvement in their childhood.  I can't get today back.  And yet I know that tomorrow will be nearly the same.

A few quick movies of Judah walking

Here are a few videos of Judah's first few steps.  Of course he took a few steps and then went on strike.  The first video is of one of the first times he ever walked, the second is a few days later, when he started refusing and his legs turned into jello.

http://picasaweb.google.com/oscarandjudah/OscarAndJudahDec09Jan10#5431241949764638002

http://picasaweb.google.com/oscarandjudah/OscarAndJudahDec09Jan10#5431232106772857282

New Pictures!

Here are some recent pics.  If it seems like these photos are professional, it is because Heidi got a new camera!  Not only do we have the greatest nanny ever, but she is also an amazing photographer.  We are so lucky.

For all you other working moms out there, don't even think about it.  You try to steal her and you will die a slow, painful death.

http://picasaweb.google.com/oscarandjudah/OscarAndJudahDec09Jan10#

Oscar's Circumcision - Take Two

This week we had the extra special treat of having to go through a circumcision revision for Oscar.  Pretty much as soon as he had the first one, Brent and I realized that it didn't take.  I am no expert, I have actually never even seen the "uncut" version, but his little weenie looked like there was just too much, well, skin. 

Over the summer, we took him to see a pediatric urologist and he agreed that Oscar was going to need a second circ, but he felt like it would be better to wait until he was a little older so the anesthesia carried a lower risk, and his chubby little thighs slimmed down.  The doctor actually told us that Oscar was so fat, it would have been tough to find his veins to put in an IV!  

I have been dreading this procedure pretty much since he was born, and really even before.  I was determined that a doctor would preform the actual circumcision, even if we had a bris at home.  I know lots of people use what is called a "moyle" to do the bris, but I just can't imagine hiring some skeevy man, who makes a living cutting off infants' foreskins and then saying a prayer.  Even the word moyle sounds gross.  

For Judah, it wasn't an issue because he was still in the NICU on the 8th day when a bris is supposed to be preformed, but for Oscar, I thought it might be a good compromise to have Becky, my old friend, who is a OBGYN handle the actual procedure.  It seemed to address all of our concerns because she is a) an MD b) Jewish and c) a dear friend who would take great care of our son.  The whole day is pretty much a fog for me thanks to the pain meds from the c-section, but it seemed to go ok at the time.  

Fast forward to our appointment with the pediatric urologist.  The bad news is that the circ wasn't done quite right, but that apparently Oscar's would have been difficult, even by a pro, because of the amount of skin (I know, this post is just gross.  Sorry).  Anyway, the good news is that it is like a hair cut, better to take less than more.  Oscar's pee pee is like the equivalent of getting a shoulder length do, if you want to go pixie, you can later, but once you do, there really isn't any going back without drastic measures.  See Kate Gosselin's new look as an example.  Those extensions look like they came from the tail of a horse.  But I digress. 

Finally it was time to have the second procedure last Tuesday.  After a night of total sleeplessness for both Brent and I, we got Oscar up very very early and brought him to a surgery center.  We met with the urologist and the anesthesiologist and then we handed him over.  It was nothing short of excruciating.  Oscar was just peachy though, and when the nurse took him away, he didn't even look back at us.  Of course I had all these visions of all the terrible things that could go wrong, everything from him having an ugly weiner to not waking up from the anesthesia.  I was an absolute wreck.  I started to second guess our decision to have the circumcision redone, and I beat myself up for subjecting my son to the pain and trauma all for what was essentially a cosmetic procedure.  But Brent and I agreed that it would be far more traumatic over the course of his life to have the "ant-eater."  Especially because his twin brother's wee wee would look so different.  And you know that one of the first thing all men do is compare their equipment.  Brent and I couldn't bear to think of Oscar getting teased in the locker room or rejected by a girl because of his junk. And we agreed it needed to be done now before he was old enough to remember any of it.   But even knowing all of that, I was still a complete mess. 

All that worrying was totally unnecessary though.  The procedure went fine.  He woke up from the anesthesia like a total maniac, but after a couple of doses of morphine, he was all good.  He seemed to be enjoying himself even.  He was pretty zooted for a few hours and then we had him on a little codeine for a day or so.  Less than a week later, he is completely back to normal.  It is nothing short of remarkable how quickly little kids can recover.  I am so relieved it's all over and I hope that is the worst thing that ever happens to him.  I know he was kind of mad at us on Tuesday, but as Brent said, he will definitely thank us later.