Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down.

Yep, that is me. A Weeble. It is official. I am really pregnant and I really look like it. It is also confirmed by the fact that I got completely winded when I walked up the stairs today. I was huffing and puffing and I got really dizzy. That was fun.

So yesterday I realized that I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what it is like being pregnant and not a lot of time thinking about what it is like being a parent. This phenomenon is sort of analogous to when brides are fixated on their weddings but not actually on being married. It happens a lot and I think it is ridiculous. The wedding and the pregnancy are temporary, the marriage and the kids are permanent (hopefully!).

But honestly, it is really hard to think about what being a parent means. I can sort of envision having one baby, mostly because I have watched friends and family bring a child into this world. But even daydreaming about one child is a stretch because I really don't have any clue what we are in for. There is certainly a lot of anxiety and stress thinking about the enormous responsibility that is barreling down the pike at us, and that is what is blocking me from actually visualizing being a parent. Adding to that panic is that I cannot even fathom what having twins is like. And for the first time in my life I genuinely don't have a clue what I am in for. In the past I had a general idea of what college, law school, or even working would be like. But there is simply nothing that can prepare me for what is coming. I am already feeling tangibly petrified about breast feeding, sleepless nights, lack of free time, my general selfishness, depression and weight gain and that is all extremely magnified by the sheer work involved in bringing two children into this world.

So instead I have been fixated on pregnancy and not parenthood. I have been buying every cute maternity top known to man, reading every pregnancy book ever written, checking pregnancy websites and not giving a thought to what comes next. I haven't bought one baby item, not even a bib or a cute pair of footies. I haven't interviewed pediatricians or lined up a nanny. I haven't visited the hospital or scheduled birthing classes. That would make it too real. But whether I do all those things (and I really need to) or not, these babies are coming. And as much as time is crawling by, I have a feeling I am going to look back and think my pregnancy was over in the blink of an eye.

I do have hope that some this will just come naturally as normal pregnancy things happen over the next few weeks. I am sure the fact that there are two human beings inside of me will become harder and harder to ignore as they start to cause more of a ruckus in there. And tomorrow morning we may be finding out the babies' genders, which will probably go a very long way in actually visualizing our family. Maybe by tomorrow I will know if I am in for a lifetime of makeup, purses and shoes or sports, dirt, and little Brents (shiver!) or a little bit of both!